Keeping Blended Families Together
Blending families is not as simple as the Brady Bunch TV show portrayed it to be by solving problems all within an hour. Throughout history there have always been blending families but now we have the ability to learn from the experiences of others who have successfully parented a step child or teenager who didn’t want them. Parenting is difficult enough without involving a step parent. Raising children on our own is a monumental task but when we involve another person who steps into their lives and their house, children as well as teenagers rebel.
Step children may feel abandoned by the parent who left or the one they see only every other weekend. Some step children may ask themselves, “What right does this person think they have to move in with my mom or dad?” To very young children this may not be the case but school age children who experienced the pain of divorce or death of a parent may very likely voice this out. Stepparents should never take the rejection of their stepchildren personally as these kids really only want their biological mom or dad. Stepchildren do not want to follow the house rules or respect the new (stepparent ie: invader). They want a friend, not another parent.
I felt unappreciated and many times and mad at my stepchildren because they always wanted their mom even though she was the one that left. I was the one taking them to school, cooking every night, talking with their teachers, entertaining them and taking them to the doctor appointments. I was the one teaching the oldest how to ride a bike at the age of fourteen and encouraging him to go to his 8th grade dance. In spite of all I did they still wanted their biological mom. Not understanding my boys, I felt very hurt and blurted out, “I did not leave, I am the one here! Why can’t you see that?” I learned no matter how angry or disappointed one is with a child to never speak a negative word to them about their absent parent. This is to be considered in all relationships whether blending a family or raising a family with one or both bio-parents.
When you bad mouth one parent, you are saying something bad about that child because that parent also created the child. Children are resilient and will recognize what was going on later in life. There is no need to rush them to help them understand all the difficulties of why one parent is not there for them. Talk to your children about how much they are loved and appreciated. Also, talk about how wonderful they are and never say anything in anger that may never be forgotten. Children will realize when they are mature enough why they are in a different family than the one they were born into. Trying to rush the reality of why the other parent left and sharing grown up conversations with children will never work because they will turn on you faster than a lightning storm. Children will believe what they want to believe in order to function and be ok. They have to live with themselves before wanting to live with you. They have to know they were never the reason for the divorce or separation.
Raising a family is one of the toughest jobs in the world; raising a blending family is much tougher by all standards when dealing with in-laws, ex-laws, and outlaws. All blending families will eventually have to deal with his, hers, ours, and mine. My boys had a tough job minding me because they did not want, “me” the ‘step parent’ stepping in telling them what to do.
Blending a family requires both parents to understand they are getting on an ‘Emotional’ roller coaster that pulls up to the station and takes off again abruptly year after year. My boys were on that roller coaster most of their lives until the time they left home. The ride could have been a bit less traumatic if I could only have understood the dynamics of how to enjoy the ride instead of trying to coordinate and control the outcome and become their constant teacher for every instance which was not needed. My stepchildren already had a mom. What they needed was understanding and love in spite of their rejection of me. It takes time but eventually they will come around and thank you for being there for them. It is a process through which a long journey makes its way into their hearts when they see you are always there for them no matter what they did or how difficult times got.
